Buck Up, Sissy Pants

I wish that I could say that I had the most epic of reasons to not post in so long. I do not want to lie, and I surely do not want some sort of unwarranted pity party into which my life seems to turn when I discuss any emotional turmoil I happen to be experiencing. I love and adore my friends, but they react in the most ridiculous of ways. First it is the realization: OH MY GOD, DAE HAS FEELINGS!!! Which then turns into being overly nice and supportive to over-compensate for the fact that they seemed to forget that I was a being capable of actual human emotion.

That being said, I wish that I could say that I have not been around since July because I simply didn’t feel like it. I am fairly certain that I am not the only one who has gone through seemingly endless cycles of depression that I just can’t seem to shake. It starts with generally feeling sad for some reason or another. In my case it could have been something as silly as I had no soy milk in the fridge, and was forced to drink real milk without first taking my Lactaid. I do not really remember what actually kick started the cycle this time, but it began.

I would wake up in the morning and just lay there, sighing. I’m not getting up because I feel sad, and sad people are allowed to stay in bed. I would lie there for quite some time, trying to go back to sleep so that I don’t have to feel like a pathetic and worthless person. Eventually, after quite a bit of deep thinking, I make myself feel terrible for just lying there and force myself to get up in some sort of feeble attempt to be a productive member of society. I start cooking, or cleaning and then my crazy brain kicks into gear: But why? Why am I cooking? No one is going to eat it. Why am I cleaning? No one is coming over.
Defeated, I sulk back into my warm bed and pull the covers over my face in an attempt to hide from the higher powers who are, without any doubt, judging me.

The second part of this cycle is the guilt that envelops me when I decide that I really have no reason to be this sad and pathetic. I talk to a friend, or read something on the internet only to have this epiphanic moment in which I decide that I really have no right to feel the way I do. My life is sunshine and roses when I put everything into perspective. This guilt consumes me, and I just retreat back to the safety of my bed, accomplishing nothing for the rest of the day.

I, of course, am able to play WoW during this cycle. For some reason, Azeroth seems far enough from “real life” that I feel safe. Or maybe it is the people with which I surround myself in game that make me feel safe. In any case, it sort of helps and makes me feel at least the tiniest bit productive because at least I am out of bed.

This happens day after day…. which becomes week after week….. which becomes month after month.

I wake up one morning, look directly at my reflection and calmly say: Buck up, sissy pants. I remember having a speech ready to give myself, but it didn’t even need to be said. I immediately knew that I was right. I needed to buck up and start acting like an adult because no one is there to follow me around and fix my problems anymore. I started talking to people about WHY I was feeling the way that I was. I explored different options that could possibly help in some way. I slowly return to some semblance of “normal”; whatever that means.

In any case- I am on some sort of path again. I feel like I can serve a greater purpose than just lying in bed all day and staring at my ceiling. I am getting back into the groove of Let’s WoW (Many thanks to Uno and Ghemmy for being so patient with me) and I am even restarting Dots, Hots and Grave Plots again. Oh- and I feel like writing, drawing and painting! Success! I am doing the things that I love again! Huzzah!

With all this being said- thanks for listening and I hope to be writing again a little more often. Probably once a week. I also have a few more poems in the works… because that’s still a thing.

Until next time…

Less QQ, more pew pew!

**PLEASE REMEMBER- Depression hurts. It is not something that should be taken lightly. It is a real illness that greatly affects your life and the everything around you. You are not alone, and there are many resources and venues to seek answers and help. 

Ode to a Night Elf Hunter

Ode to a Night Elf Hunter

Ishnu-alah, brave Night Elf!
Taken from us far too soon.
You live on inside ourselves,
Great memories immune,
Protected by mother Elune.

Shadowglen or Deathknell.
From wherever we may hail,
Your story we will eternally tell,
Soul never to become frail,
Immortalized in the Vale.

Looking up into night skies,
Elloric walks forevermore,
Hidden in spectral guise,
United: Andu-falah-dor!
Balance we will restore.

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Happy Birthday, Elloric. May Elune be ever with you. 

WoW Poetry Corner

Yes yes… long time no post. I am working on a little something. Been feeling kind of blah lately- I will leave this here until then! <3

WoW Sonnet #2

This real life battleground brought me to you
At a time of force cast pain suppression.
I’d have shown up sooner (god damn queue),
To leap of faith you away from depression.

You don’t think that you deserve atonement,
Fear spamming in an attempt to flee.
But you’re rooted at just the right moment;
I purify the disease so you’re free.

I’m left standing in a state of rapture,
For you my inner fire starts burning.
Heart exposed, won’t you come for the capture?
Just think of the conquest you’re earning.

Good game, I was cheering for you from the start.
To steal those enemy flags, then my heart.

You’re My E-Friend

I guess this posting once a month is becoming “my thing”. Life has been super busy and blogging has been the last thing that has been on my mind as of late. I promise I will try and fix that soon for all three of my readers! :) I kid… (or do I?) 

I am sure that many people who read this will already be aware of the tragic tornado that hit Moore, Oklahoma on Monday May 20. My very close friend and officer of Hogger Ate My Homework, Stilby, witnessed the devastation of his town. I am beyond thankful that Stilby and his loved ones are safe and sound, but there are still many that require aid. Please see the bottom of this post for details about how you can help those affected.

That is not what this post is about, however. I just felt that I need to bring everyone up to speed.

This post is about something that I have talked about before, but has been solidified by recent events and emotions. I legitimately and unconditionally love players I have met in this game. I can safely say that I met the two best friends in my life in Azeroth: Stilby and Legion. They are both such selfless, caring and patient individuals. I mean, they both voluntarily put up with me! :P But in all seriousness, I am a better person because of them.

I am also very fortunate to be be part of one of the most supportive and tight-knit guilds you will ever come across in the lands of Azeroth. I have even had outsiders, new to Hogger, comment on the absolute love and adoration for one another that they can feel radiating from our core members. We are not only a guild, we are a family.

And now for the point I wanted to make! I am really tired of being told that these are “just internet friends”. What does that even mean? A friend is a friend whether you met them in an MMO, waiting in line at the bank or at a bar when you went a little wild and crazy one night. So why then, do people around me continue to downplay the importance placed on these “e-friends”? I trust these “virtual friends” a whole heck of a lot more than many of the people I call friends “in real life”. I just find it quite ridiculous that a distinction needs to made. Friend does not require any kind of modifier, for a friend is a friend. The fact that there is a computer screen and a whole lot of country between us, does not lessen the love we have for each other. Enough said.

So next time you decide to create a hierarchy of friends, make sure you examine the important things such as trust, love and support. Not where where you first met them.

Until next time…

Less QQ, and way more pew pew!

______________________________________________________________

How to help those in need of assistance: 

$10 TEXT DONATIONS: 

REDCROSS to 90999 (Red Cross Disaster Relief)

STORM to 80888 (Salvation Army)

FOOD to 32333 (Regional Foodbank of Oklahoma)

ONLINE DONATIONS: 

http://www.redcross.org/charitable-donations

http://www.salvationarmyusa.org

http://www.regionalfoodbank.org/

More Than Words

Sorry that I have not been able to post in an incredibly long time. The real life boss is the hardest boss of all to beat…

In any case, I am back with a vengeance, as many things have taken place in my absence.

Today’s topic of discussion? Words. Or I guess more so the misuse of words. As an English major, words have been my allies as well as my worst enemies. I have used words as medicine in order to remedy situations, but I have also been known to use words as weapons when I feel threatened. Words are words are words are words. Until they are not.

Let us focus on the word gay, as this has been the topic of much discussion lately. I speak specifically to the use of the word in describing something as foolish, stupid or unimpressive. When I see it/hear it I am sometimes torn because on one hand I certainly do not condone the use of a word that is derogatory to a certain group. I also find myself, as an English major, thinking about etymology and the continual morphing and re-shaping that words undergo. I would even venture to say that most people are not even thinking of the negative connotations when they call something gay that they deem as stupid. They are not looking to marginalize or belittle people, but are in fact just using a word that has been given the stamp of approval by society. They do not understand, as they have not yet encountered resistance, that this word may actually hurt/anger some. They do not realize that they are in fact carrying a loaded gun.

Before you all run at me with pitchforks and torches, allow me to use an example and then make my point (real names and identities are hidden for privacy purposes):

Very recently, I was online, hanging out with a guild and some friends on a lowbie toon. Suddenly, a comment is thrown out into guild chat “Man, trade chat is gay today”. Of course they did not mean that trade chat was merry, showy or homosexual. When it was brought to my attention by a friend (as I like to have 6 whisper tabs open as well and I pop in and out of them), the person who had said it had already logged off for the night. I decided that it would be best to talk to him/her one-on-one rather than call them out the next time I was online.

That was quickly shattered. My friend went to different social media sites and posted about this guild being intolerant in allowing words to be used in an offensive way. This went on and on and on. But what was really done to help the situation? Absolutely nothing. It just ended up being a rant that riled some people up rather than an actual solution to the problem.

I talked to the person the next day about the appropriate use of the word gay. He was in shock. Turns out that he is from Puerto Rico and English is in fact his second language. Much of his English has been picked up from television, movies and what people say in trade chat and instance chat. He was very upset that he made someone feel unwelcome in the guild and vowed to never use that word in that way again.

My point: Words change. Definitions change. Sometimes for the good, and sometimes for the bad. What we need to start doing is educating people about appropriate use of words, as many people do not understand the effect they can actually have. We live in such a ME society, that most do not comprehend that their words and actions actually affect those around them. Sure, we can rant and rave, foaming at the mouth and spew hatred towards society. Or, we can actually do something to try and cause another shift. Truth is, if enough people address their discomfort or dislike in the certain use of a word in a positive way, then more and more people will come around and realize the negative impact the word has.

Sadly, I see more of the ranting and raving in place of positive action which is just perpetuating the negativity on which some seem to thrive.

I strongly believe in a positive ripple effect. People just need to stop crying and whining and demanding that things change on their own instead of trying to create change themselves.

Until next time…

Less QQ, more pew pew!

The Power of a Guild

I talk about guilds an awful lot- I realize this. I have heard a lot of talk lately about people who want to get rid of guilds and be able to cross realm raid and all that jazz. But I still believe that it is such an important part of this game. Yes, I have met many friends through various other means on other realms, but when you find a guild that fits you and shares your outcomes and beliefs in the game, it can be the most beautiful experience in the world.

I have been in and out of many guilds since my triumphant return to the game. I have been in the big raiding guild, social guilds and even the smaller tight-knit guilds. I have left some because I was looking for something else, I have left some due to more negative causes. It takes a long time to find yourself a guild that just meshes. I am fortunate to have found that where I currently am. We are much more like a family than anything else. I am willing to do a whole lot for my guildies, and they are willing to do a whole lot back for me.

A specific example that I am thinking of is something that just happened recently. A guild member was going through a rather rough time financially, and his account time ran out. He didn’t have the means at the time to get another subscription. And what was he worried about? Missing our raid date… Bless his heart. Some of us caught wind of his situation and  a plan was set in motion! I managed to convince him to give me his e mail address, while another guild member purchased some game time. The game time was gifted to him, and he was speechless (odd for this guy- he likes to talk… A LOT). I know this gesture doesn’t seem like much, but this meant the world to him. This is the example of the power of a guild. Coming together when others need us because they would do the very same for us.

Another reason I would like to give my guild a round of applause is our patience. We have many players who do not have a lot of raid experience, and rather than turning them away, we work with them. We all started somewhere, didn’t we? This is what more guild need to focus on- helping people with gemming and enchanting and rotations. It is a lot of information all at once and can be one of the most overwhelming things and biggest turn-offs in the game. We need to start embracing everyone, rather than turning people away because they don’t share the same in-game background that we do.

I would rather wipe all night and be surrounded by friends than be trolled in raid chat by my own guildies. Heck…. we may never get past Elegon, but at least we have fun! :

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In my opinion, it is not how many bosses you have downed, or how many Challenge Mode dungeons you have won medals in. It is about the people you are surrounded by that makes all the difference.

Lastly, I need to talk about how I managed to be flying around on this beautiful phoenix:

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I have been trying for the Ashes of Al’ar since I returned mid-Cata. I ran it almost every week trying to get this gorgeous bird to drop. Finally, one fateful night, I went in with two other guildies (I really can’t solo it on my priest…. I are le squish). I was joking with them telling them that if it dropped they would have to pass because it was too girly for them to ride around on. So we managed to take down Kael’Thas, and by the light of Elune the damn bird dropped. I was in shock, and I didn’t quite know what to do. I asked the others what I should do and they told me to need roll because they were. BOOM! Ashes of Al’ar ended up in my bag. Wait a minute here…. those two passed! They actually passed! One of the most coveted mounts in the game and they PASSED. You know what I was told: “You wanted it. We came here so you could get it”. Naturally I almost cry like a baby over vent, not being able to stop myself from thanking them. Again… This is the power of a guild.

Thank you, Hogger Ate My Homework, for being a home full of beautiful family for me in Azeroth. I wish you all the best of luck in finding your families/place in Azeroth.

And remember- Less QQ, more pew pew!

Because I Don’t Know How Else to Thank You…

Holy crap, another post already? Well, I was talking to my buddy Ghem a couple nights ago and he inspired this one.

I feel the need to write a post about the members of this community who have played a huge roll in me sticking around this time. I can never find the words when I am actually speaking to people, so I will try and type them instead. Although I am fairly certain that this will backfire as well (In retrospect- this didn’t quite work out as I planned. /facepalm)… I know I am not the easiest person to get along with, and I know that I can be so much less than warm to the people around me. These are merely defense mechanisms that have been built up over the years to keep myself safe. I am slowly trying to change these habits, open up and let people back in again…

In no particular order:

Phortank: I met Phort a couple of months after getting back in the game. The very first thing that we did together was run The Oculus. I say this because it is something that I will probably never forget. I was going for some of the meta achievements and asked my new guild if anyone would come with me, and Phort volunteered. Ever since that day we have become very close. We run things together, talk in vent all of the time, and I have even been fortunate enough to be able to meet his beautiful daughter. Phort has pretty much been my rock since I came back, and I am not so sure that he knows that. Players have come and gone, but he has been the one constant in my life since returning to Azeroth. I have laughed with him, cried with him and shared some of my favourite WoW moments with him. My love for him is so completely unconditional and I cannot imagine my life without him.

Plucker: Pluck is a relatively new name on this list. He joined my former guild less than a year ago, but he has become a very important and special person to me. We have very similar histories and share a lot of common baggage. Pluck and I have shared many late night vent conversations about some heavy subjects that I wouldn’t dream talking with others about. The best thing I like about Pluck? No matter how serious things get, he can always make me laugh. Especially when he brings up his large green sack… He even called me long distance from a casino, on his birthday, just to chat. I wish I could tell him just how much of a difference he has made to me. Given time, I know that our friendship will only grow stronger and maybe I can find the balls to tell him.

Owkono: I am not even sure where to begin with Owk. He is very much like me in that he does not like to let people in, but we have been slowly breaking each others’ walls down. He is always willing to drop what he is doing to help me out. If I need a gem, help with dailies, transmog run or even just to talk, I can count on Owkono to be there for me. We even got to go and have some cocktails when he was in my city for work. The one action that speaks volumes to me is when that nasty Message of the Day was posted about me in my former guild. Owkono not only pulled it down, but defended me despite losing the favor of the GM and other guildies. He then offered his bank guild so that we could remain together in peace. We are now running that guild together (with a raid team and everything!) and I cannot imagine doing this task with anyone else.

Kuwahara: Another one I am not sure where to start… Kuwa has basically been the love of my Warcraft life since I returned. I met him through some friends, but we didn’t really talk until we ran into each other in LFR (DS) one night. He wanted me to roll on the polearm for his druid (I was on my hunter), but instead we hit it off. Since that fateful night, a day rarely goes by that we are not in contact somehow. A text message, a phone/Skype call, even just in-game whispers. I legitimately love this man, and I know that he loves me back. He has always been there for me, and has helped me through some rough times when no one else could be found. He is another person who stands up for me whenever anything less than awesome is said about me. He has started arguments in Trade/Party/Instance chat whenever my name is even mentioned with the slightest negative connotation. And of course, has given other players a piece of his mind if they happen to bad mouth me and he hears about it. We have even talked about the possibility of things that may happen outside of Azeroth…  But until then I will remain his crazy Canadian WoW Princess…

Shambols: Shambols has now been out of the game a few months, which was not a complete surprise. But it was nevertheless devastating, as we have no other means of communication. Shambols knows more about me and my past than anyone else in my life, including my family. There have been some painful events that I just never shared with anyone else, but for some reason I felt so comfortable with Shambols and he allowed me to open up, and he did in return. There were some days that we couldn’t catch each other online, so we would send letters via in-game mail just to say hey. I actually kept copies of a few of them so that I am able to look back and smile. I miss Shambols more than he will probably ever know.

Legionarii: Legion is one of my favourite people on earth, and another one who has been out of the game for a while now. We still keep in contact through text messages and his random trolling of my vent. Legion and I met on Twitter and we became close friends very quickly. There even came a time when he transferred his main to my realm and joined my guild. No matter what kind of day I am having, Legion can make me smile. He is such an amazing person and cares so deeply about making others smile and laugh; sometimes completely forgetting about himself. His selflessness is astounding, and I will miss his company until the day he returns. Until then I will always have “Chhaaaaiiiiin liiiiightnin’!!!!!!”. :) 

Ghemit: Not that Ghem needs an introduction, but I will give you some history. I was one of Ghem’s first-ish Twitter followers and he followed me back. We started talking and finally added each other to realid because there was this instant connection between us. Ghem is now one of my best friends in the entire world. I know that no matter what I can always text or call him and he knows that he can do the same. He has been there when no one else bothered to care. He is the strongest, sweetest and most genuine person that I have ever met and is an amazing friend. I feel so lucky and blessed that I met Ghem and I have come to believe that our meeting was not just a coincidence, but fate. It was written in the stars that we were to find each other. I love Ghem, I will always love Ghem and he is a large portion of my world and that is how I would like it to stay.

Feelings are hard. I hope to one day actually thank the above mentioned with spoken words rather than hiding behind written ones. I just need them to know that I think about them everyday and without them, I am not sure that I would have the strength to get up some days.

Thank you, again, to this beautiful community. I am thankful of everyone who has touched my life and made me a better person. I will continue working on myself, so don’t give up on me yet! Much, MUCH love goes out to you all.