I wish that I could say that I had the most epic of reasons to not post in so long. I do not want to lie, and I surely do not want some sort of unwarranted pity party into which my life seems to turn when I discuss any emotional turmoil I happen to be experiencing. I love and adore my friends, but they react in the most ridiculous of ways. First it is the realization: OH MY GOD, DAE HAS FEELINGS!!! Which then turns into being overly nice and supportive to over-compensate for the fact that they seemed to forget that I was a being capable of actual human emotion.
That being said, I wish that I could say that I have not been around since July because I simply didn’t feel like it. I am fairly certain that I am not the only one who has gone through seemingly endless cycles of depression that I just can’t seem to shake. It starts with generally feeling sad for some reason or another. In my case it could have been something as silly as I had no soy milk in the fridge, and was forced to drink real milk without first taking my Lactaid. I do not really remember what actually kick started the cycle this time, but it began.
I would wake up in the morning and just lay there, sighing. I’m not getting up because I feel sad, and sad people are allowed to stay in bed. I would lie there for quite some time, trying to go back to sleep so that I don’t have to feel like a pathetic and worthless person. Eventually, after quite a bit of deep thinking, I make myself feel terrible for just lying there and force myself to get up in some sort of feeble attempt to be a productive member of society. I start cooking, or cleaning and then my crazy brain kicks into gear: But why? Why am I cooking? No one is going to eat it. Why am I cleaning? No one is coming over.
Defeated, I sulk back into my warm bed and pull the covers over my face in an attempt to hide from the higher powers who are, without any doubt, judging me.
The second part of this cycle is the guilt that envelops me when I decide that I really have no reason to be this sad and pathetic. I talk to a friend, or read something on the internet only to have this epiphanic moment in which I decide that I really have no right to feel the way I do. My life is sunshine and roses when I put everything into perspective. This guilt consumes me, and I just retreat back to the safety of my bed, accomplishing nothing for the rest of the day.
I, of course, am able to play WoW during this cycle. For some reason, Azeroth seems far enough from “real life” that I feel safe. Or maybe it is the people with which I surround myself in game that make me feel safe. In any case, it sort of helps and makes me feel at least the tiniest bit productive because at least I am out of bed.
This happens day after day…. which becomes week after week….. which becomes month after month.
I wake up one morning, look directly at my reflection and calmly say: Buck up, sissy pants. I remember having a speech ready to give myself, but it didn’t even need to be said. I immediately knew that I was right. I needed to buck up and start acting like an adult because no one is there to follow me around and fix my problems anymore. I started talking to people about WHY I was feeling the way that I was. I explored different options that could possibly help in some way. I slowly return to some semblance of “normal”; whatever that means.
In any case- I am on some sort of path again. I feel like I can serve a greater purpose than just lying in bed all day and staring at my ceiling. I am getting back into the groove of Let’s WoW (Many thanks to Uno and Ghemmy for being so patient with me) and I am even restarting Dots, Hots and Grave Plots again. Oh- and I feel like writing, drawing and painting! Success! I am doing the things that I love again! Huzzah!
With all this being said- thanks for listening and I hope to be writing again a little more often. Probably once a week. I also have a few more poems in the works… because that’s still a thing.
Until next time…
Less QQ, more pew pew!
**PLEASE REMEMBER- Depression hurts. It is not something that should be taken lightly. It is a real illness that greatly affects your life and the everything around you. You are not alone, and there are many resources and venues to seek answers and help.